Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ashes of Youth: Chapter 6.1

What a sick feeling in my bumping, beating chest and throughout my veins. Down my arms and legs. It gnaws at my gut and it wreaks havoc on my mind. I can tell that my speech has been affected and I think that I may be going insane. Especially as I gradually lose the meticulously constructed cool-calm that I wrap about my person like a warped shawl. When this happens my mind goes inside itself while every neuron is firing off in a free-for-all. In the morning I experience a déjà vu that plays itself out like clockwork, I don’t understand this but I feel that I am becoming trapped in time, this feeling lasts only for a scant second (in the grand scheme) before my thoughts collect and rein me back in. I’m getting increasingly worried about not coming back. I’m definitely not stoned when this happens, if I were, I don’t think it would be so intensely alive inside. To be fair, I do have caffeine running amok and I would not pass a drug test. But this goes far beyond a typical paranoia case. In writing this I assure myself that I am okay for at least eight hours, during that time I will try to fall asleep. If I’m lucky I won’t be in that moment the next morning, otherwise I’ll stay sane by questioning my sanity.


It’s still February, a strange dream. I was in my house and my room was bare cepting two beds. Odd consciousness of dream states that I have experienced some kind of mental breakdown. I am transported from lucidity into my body and lay in bed talking with a girl that I was vaguely attracted to. I trusted this girl very much in this dream.

We were lying in separate beds and she was listening to me ramble scared thoughts and worries. The look on her face was one that said, “I’m not judging you, I’m listening, but you get through this on your own.” The oddness darting her countenance spoke to the fact that in waking life, I really don’t want her to know me. Sometimes I must relearn this: For a good portion of personal relationships there is no truth stringing us together. Such liaisons never speak to one another as mutual humans with mutual and actual emotions. I remained silent on the matter.

In my dream I told her that I just wanted her to lie in the bed across from me, she asked if we were going to have sex and I said “No, I just want you to hold my hand while I drift off, I’ve never had anyone do that for me and that’s what I want more than anything.” Then she just did that, I went to sleep in my dream knowing that she had me safe for the night. I thought of nothing as she held me there.

As I dreamed falling asleep I realized what a wonderful “NOW” this was.

The reason I found this dream significant is because I have never liked this person and have seldom enjoyed her company. That must be the mutual truth and an actual emotion between us.

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